If you are like most parents, there is one child behavior that pushes every button you possess. That behavior is whining.
There is nothing quite so guaranteed to get your hackles up as the sound of your beloved children whining to you about their needs or wants.
I know of no research on the topic, but my best guess is that while whining has not yet led to any parent's complete nervous breakdown, it has probably come close.
Nor have I seen a study on whether or not children come hard-wired to make those dreadful sounds, but the phenomenon seems pretty universal.
Now, having established the widespread relevance of the topic of whining, let's consider why kids whine. The simple answer is: because it works. Therefore, it follows that the way to stop kids from whining is to make sure that it doesn't work.
Let me illustrate what I mean. Three-year-old Zoe has discovered that when she says that she wants to watch TV, Dad's usual response is to say: "No, go play with your toys." But when she moans and adds a whiney quality to her request, screwing up her face and so on, Dad quickly says, "Okay, go watch TV for a while."
Dad is happy to get a little peace, and doesn't really notice the connection between Zoe's ways of asking with the whine added in and his response. But, you can bet that Zoe quickly learns which method is effective. In fact, Dad's response has reinforced the whining, and Zoe is much less likely to speak in her normal voice the next time she wants something.
If you don't believe that this is simple cause-and-effect at work, pay a little closer attention to the next whiney episode in your home, and watch the dynamic at work.
Okay, when you accept that part of the problem is of your own making, it's time to figure out what to do about it, assuming you don't want to live with whining all the way through college and beyond.
First, realize that if your child is old enough to speak her requests, she is old enough to understand that she can control the way she speaks. She is also ready to understand your explanations. So, you have a conversation with your child that goes something like this:
"I want to help you remember to talk with other people in the ways that other people will enjoy. That does not include whining and crying when you ask for something, or when you tell people things. So, if you want me and other people to pay attention to you when you talk, you will need to stop the whining."
"To help you remember this, I'm not going to pay attention to you when you whine. But I will definitely pay attention and listen to you when you speak in your regular voice."
"So when you see me not listening, think about whether you need to talk in a different voice. I'm not going to remind you about this all the time, so see if you can figure out why I'm not paying attention and fix the problem."
That's pretty clear. Now comes the hard part. When you hear the next whine--and you will; remember this is a strongly reinforced habit--immediately leave the room and busy yourself with something else.
Then, just as consistently and obviously, drop what you are doing and pay attention when your child speaks to you in a normal tone. Concentrate on this; your responses will be critical in changing this behavior.
You have put your child in charge of part of changing the action, but you have an equal responsibility to maintain and monitor your responses.
Will this happen overnight? Definitely not, and you'd best be prepared for more whining than usual while your child tests out the changed situation. But if you hold firm over time, your child will discover than whining is not productive and drop that behavior from her repertoire.
No kid wants to keep doing something that just doesn't work.
