Building Families

Discovering and Exploring Feelings

Sometimes when a child is upset, there’s a special cause. Someone may have said something unkind to her.  Other times it may be hard to pinpoint the reason for her unhappiness.  For example, a child might feel a little blue without knowing why when an older brother, sister or playmate starts school and the youngest child is left at home.  Still other times, a youngster may be a little whiny, clingy or cranky for no apparent reason. She may be overtired, hungry, sick, or just going through too many changes in her life.  Whatever the problem, you can help your child feel better by helping her explore her feelings.  If you know what the problem is, you can start the conversation by trying to put the child’s feelings into words: “Your feelings are hurt because Tom called you a baby.”  If you have only a general idea of what the problem may be, try something like: “It’s tough for you to be the only one who doesn’t go to school, right?”  When you really don’t know what the problem is, try something like: “You seem a little sad (mad, upset, quiet) today. Can I help? Want to talk about it?”  You may get a little resistance at first, but be patient and don’t push her to talk if she’s not ready. Just let her know that you’re willing to listen if she wants to share her feelings with you.  Once she’s started talking, say back to her what you think she’s said to help her continue to explore her feelings. “Okay, so it made you feel mad when the other kids didn’t ask you to play ball with them.”  Try to resist giving advice or telling her how she should feel. Just listen, accept what she says, and help her express what’s on her mind by showing her that you understand and care.